and now the inability sinks in again and back to this familiar, the one step into nowhere everything about my head moves so fast i feel myneck winging itself. i am alone with my own self disgust. i don't know where from this moves ugly lumps in my throat on my body, in the gruel you serve me day after day contemplating stretches of unmarked paint cartography for the nearly blind, hair and particules of dust; skin cells and cosmic rain.